How the fudge can I lose belly fat?

Hey there! I’m a Big, lazy fatass. I need to lose weight badly.

I started exercising on this gay exercise bicycle thing- but won’t that only strengthen my legs? How can I lose belly fat, you fat bahstid?

Seriously- no joke. I am a fat bastard- please tell me what I can do to lose belly fat. I no longer have a southern hemisphere, dammit.